We live in fast times. Our environment changes – sometimes abruptly and significantly. Forms alter.

Appearances whirl in and out like mosaics in a kaleidoscope. Facades flash by like billboards. And in the process of all this constant change – technological, social, evolutionary – it seems that half of us are looking for a relationship and half of us are running away from one.

Little wonder that in this age of transformation – of everything as you know it – the obvious basics of relationships can be easy to overlook. Little wonder that a lot of our relationships turn out the way we had unconsciously envisioned them. It is not surprising that a great many of us in our society have, and co-exist in, relationships that are deader than a cold Big Mac.

Simply, without your relationships, you would not exist. The quality found in the relationships you do have determines the composite quality of your existence and of your life, as you know it. 

The following 20 ‘alive’ qualities briefly described below are spiritual within their nature. Here the terms ‘spiritual’ and ‘alive’ are synonymous. They are found not only in your personal or romantic situations – although those two areas of our lives get the most attention – they are also evident or lacking in your relationships to money, religion, sex, health, work, and authority. In fact they are the indicators of how your relationship is with everything that is part of your life. And it is the overall quality of your life that determines your self-esteem. It also determines your personal power, your integrity, your ethics, and your standards. In all of those areas, you have more choices than you think you do. 

Quality #1

Being Responsible To And Not For Each Other

The key word here is responsible. In relationships being responsible is the willingness to respond to each other rather than to be accountable. Another word for responsible is accurate. Accuracy is a form of love. The alternative is to assume responsibility for another’s actions, which is a form of emotional slavery.

Quality #2

Responsiveness & Existential Living

You cannot move beyond present time. You can only be in it. Interestingly, at that level of experience, present time is the future. The fear you feel about the future is your aliveness. Make it your friend and call it excitement. Face the fact that life is a risk. It is existential.

Quality #3

Thought Is Creative

Your reality and your relationships do not exist apart from your thoughts. The way in which you observe something determines what it is. The physical universe is constantly changing, depending on your point of view. Your perception of things creates them the way they are… including your relationships. You create and experience your relationships in a way you think they are going to happen. The single determining factor about your relationship reality is you.

Quality #4

The Choice To Think

The mind is not a creator of thoughts… it is a receiver of thoughts. We assume that everyone thinks but this is not true. Authentic thinking is knowing how to allow new thoughts to come into being, not simply re-observing and mixing what you already know. This is why most relationships die eventually, because they are based on an old idea yet the individuals in the relationship have grown.

Quality #5

Service, Support & Acknowledgment

There is no other reason for being in a relationship that transcends time other than service, support and acknowledgment. In time all other reasons will change. If you want your relationship to have the quality of longevity then these characteristics must be present.

Quality #6

Trust & Affinity

Trust absent of doubt is an illusion. In fact authentic trust is born only from life experiences in which doubt was present. Affinity is recognizing that we agree about things we have in common. In relationships, trust and affinity eventually give birth to integrity which is a state of being complete, whole and sincere.

Quality #7

Effective Communication

The purpose of communication is to change. With effective communication we insure accuracy about who and what we change into. A relationship absent of effective communication is destined to become precisely what we wished it was not.

Quality #8

The Absence Of Parental Authority

In the absence of authority it is impossible to be dishonest. Parental Authority was the first place in which honesty was threatened so resolving these confusing circumstances creates a more authentic individual and a relationship that can grow geometrically.

Quality #9

The Ability To Receive

All that you give and deny your relationship is given and denied to you. This is a dynamic principle of relationships. What we lack is the capacity to Receive, which when present heals any need to deny others of their desires.

Quality #10

Self Esteem

Self-esteem is self-love and when you love yourself, you effortlessly love everyone around you. This natural love just overflows; you cannot contain it. It is ecstasy.

Quality #11

Honorable Sexuality

Honorable Sexuality is to experience doing only what satisfies and honors both you and your partner. This creates self-respect based on your self-determined values and ethics. Consequently, inherited mores and standards lose their power over you.

Quality #12

Freedom & Dignity

Within a relationship, freedom is the highest quality we can have, even higher than love. Love absent of freedom is false. Conscious people insist on it for themselves, and they insist on it for others.

Quality #13

The Ability To Be Alone Together

Most relationships are born out of the fear of being alone. The ability to be alone makes you capable of being together with someone else. This is a pre-requisite for being in an alive relationship.

Quality #14


Creative people have a higher than average tolerance for making mistakes. These individuals are courageous and it takes courage to have an alive relationship because aliveness is synonymous with change.

Quality #15


Relationships are more about healing and growth, which are the immediate benefits of love. When you heal with each other you can then be in a relationship with each other, not your respective pasts.

Quality #16

Forgiveness As A Conscious State

Forgiveness is not an event, it is more like a lifestyle. To for-give is to ‘give first’. Like love it is the willingness to take second position in relationship to someone else, to surrender the need to punish as a way to gain power.

Quality #17


In life we have only 3 options… to be assertive, non-assertive or aggressive. Aggressive behavior is anger turned outward, non-assertive behavior is anger turned inward. The only intelligent option is to be assertive. True assertiveness is rooted in honesty and respect directed especially towards the ones with whom we are assertive.

Quality #18

Laughter, Humor & Playfulness

Some life issues you will face will only be resolved because you possess a sense of humor. Nothing else will work. Humor is a magical relationship to spirit that works beyond logic. It is the ability to find light hearted insight in even the most difficult of moments.

Quality #19


There is no beginning, no end, only change in relationships. Relationships never end, they simply change form. You must expect that your relationships will change, at least at the level of its form. When you expect this transformation then there can be love and respect for each other.

Quality #20

The Presence Of Love

Love is not anything really… it’s more like the absence of things. It’s the absence of fear, pain, negativity. It’s the absence of thought, feelings, desire. It’s an emptiness that is filled with the presence of spirit. When we share this empty moment with another we experience love for that individual. In reality it is love within the self, projected onto those we care about.